Annnnnnd here we are again. October 22nd. It’s a yearly occurrence and yet, every year I am surprised by it’s arrival. Every year for the last ten I have dreaded this day. Birthday’s aren’t so fun when you no longer a kid blind to the world and all of it’s miseries. But as I sit here reflecting on the past year and looking at everything ahead, I’m filled with gratitude and appreciation I haven’t felt for life in a really long time.
My 18th year brought triumphs and tragedies I never could have expected or prepared for. It was wonderful in all the worst ways, and horrible in all the best. The first half of the year I existed normally. Fighting my normal bouts of suicidal thoughts and negativity, and losing a kidney in the process- it’s a lonnnng story. But unlike all my other years, something shifted. What was bad didn’t stay bad, and the moments and feelings I never thought I could reach were suddenly right there in front of me. It was work: therapies, treatments, medications like you wouldn’t believe, and none of it helped for a really long time. Strangely, somewhere along the line I became a “glass half full,” kind of person and what was posed to be my worse year became one of the best.
18 brought me my favorite people- my three best friends who I would without a doubt take a bullet for- and the lesson of “quality over quantity.” 18 brought me to cities I’ve only dreamed of and to wrestling shows that make life worthwhile. 18 brought smiles and tears and more laughter than I ever could have imagined. 18 was love, loss, grief, and forgiveness. It was everything I needed it to be. 19 brings college and the start of the next- and most exciting- part of my life. It brings holidays I’m actually looking forward to and stress I am dreading. 19 is going to come back swinging at me, but 18 gave me the tools to survive.
It’s funny how the world works, how things can change in the blink of an eye. It wouldn’t be an over exaggeration to say I’m a completely different person than I was 365 days ago. I’m healthy and happy- genuinely happy. And it’s not that the mental illnesses are gone, I’m still fighting for my life some days, but I just feel better- even in the face of episodes and anxiety attacks. I am so excited about life and about this next part. Maybe just maybe, October 22nd isn’t as bad as I once thought.
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