Knowing who you are is a skill. Knowing who you are and being comfortable with that person is a privilege.
Sexual identification is complicated. More confusing than any test you’ll ever take, harder to understand than taxes, even. That is only, of course, if you aren’t heterosexual.
I used to think straight people were lucky- a small part of me still believes that, I think. If you’re straight, there’s no question, no “figuring it out.” No homophobia. No judgement. It’s simple, clean, and easy.
I’m a lesbian, and I have been for a while, but being able to wholeheartedly and confidently make that statement about myself hasn’t always come easy to me. The signs where always there. In elementary school when the other girls in my class would get giggly and share their “crushes” I never felt the way they felt. Still, I picked the most liked guy in the class and said I, too, found him cute. My sister, five years older than me, would talk to me about guys she wanted to date and looked at me expectantly, waiting for me to proclaim that the guy was indeed boyfriend material. I did and said everything I was supposed to. The older I got the more I realized that something wasn’t right. I would avoid the subject of having crushes and wanting a boyfriend and would advert my eyes when walking past a Victoria’s Secret. It took a long time before the idea of being a lesbian even dawned on me, but once it was there, it was there. I felt better knowing this piece of information about myself and yet still something felt off. As much as I knew that this is who I am, it felt extremely wrong. It took years before I’d even whisper the word “lesbian” aloud.
Today, my sexuality is this thing I’m most confident in. It’s the one piece of me that makes sense. Though books and TV and other forms of media, I found the representation I needed in order to better understand lesbians and being a lesbian in this world. Homophobia still rages, and, because of that, it’s hard to be completely comfortable in my LGBTQ+ skin. However, around the people I trust and on the internet, my lesbianism shines through and I feel free to truly be myself. More than any new outfit, hairstyle, or makeup, reminding myself I’m a lesbian, kissing my girlfriend, and waving the orange white and pink makes me feel unstoppable, like I can conquer anything. Knowing who I am, being okay with who I am, I couldn’t be luckier.
On today’s day of lesbian visibility I reflect on my discoveries and remember the struggle it took for me to get here. I remember Stonewall and all the women who came before me who fought for women and LGBTQ+ rights. I send my thoughts to anyone who has yet to figure it out and I leave you all with this: whoever you discover you are, is exactly who you’re supposed to be. (Unless you identify as a bi/pan- lesbian in that case go fuck yourself)
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