I was ready to go, ready to go. I don’t wanna wake you up right now.
We were driving to Cleveland when this song played. You in the drivers, me, the seat opposite. The windows down despite the bitter cold, hair blowing everywhere, simply because the sun was setting over the highway. Arms out the window and that was the feeling. You were the feeling.
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This isn’t a love letter. A love letter would go against everything we are.
We’ve tried so hard to keep this relationship in black and white. No deep feelings. Easy. Simple. Uncomplicated. Clean, not messy. And when we were riding in your car, it had never been more black and white. But not in the way we wanted it to be. It was black and white in the sense that it was love. It was you and me and the open road. Possibilities seemingly endless.
I don’t wanna wake you up, tell you that I’m leaving town. I already packed my stuff, can’t go back now.
I think you’ve known for a long time I’m on my way out. It’s been that way for years and the end seems to draw nearer and nearer. But something is changing. In the wake of the most terribleness I’ve ever felt, something is changing. I don’t want to say that it has something to do with you. God don’t make me say it. But I don’t feel 18. I don’t feel like this is my life. In New York, in the hotel, the whole city in front of us, you by my side. I could have sworn that wasn’t my life. Because maybe it wasn’t. I didn’t feel 18. I felt older, I felt at the point in my life where I could be in love. A point in my life where it made sense.
But the way you look brings me straight back down, I don’t wanna wake you up right now.
I’ve looked at you like you’re the most fragile thing in my life for the last three years. Because you are. But God you’re so you. And you’re here and real and again I say something is changing. I’ve been running so hard, dreaming about leaving and never looking back. But maybe I don’t have to run so hard. Maybe just maybe there’s something in being in the moments. Olivia you’ve given me moments I actually don’twant to forget. Instead of holding onto the thought of leaving I think I’m beginning to feel that you’re my ticket out of here. We’ve been, and are going, to places and feelings I’ve never been before. You really fucked up all my plans.
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I don’t know why I wrote and decided to publish this, but fuck it, it’s Valentines Day.
And it’s the sequence of A Place We Knew and Straight Back Down (thank you Dean Lewis). And it’s me and it’s you. And I’ll never say this to your face but I think I’ve been in love with you forever (boo you suck I hate you so bad!!)
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